Research Jokes

If you chuckled while reading these, then tweet this page!


Presented by The Onion: More Corporations Using Tag And Release Programs To Study American Consumers

Checking some questionnaires that had just been filled in, a census clerk was amazed to note that one of them contained figures 121 and 125 in the spaces for “Age of Mother, If Living” and “Age of Father, if Living.” “Surely your parents can’t be as old as this?” asked the incredulous clerk. “Well no,” was the answer, “but they would be IF LIVING!” (Gary Ramseyer)

Do you like statisticians? Probably. (Henry Bottomly)

Did you hear about the politician who promised that, if he was elected, he’d make certain that everybody would get an above average income? (WorkJoke)

A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population. (Math Jokes)

I have always been told that old statisticians do not fade away, but rather are “broken down by age and sex”. (YuksRUs)

A Statistical Department is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.

All three are asked the same question: “What is one third plus two thirds?”
The pure mathematician: “It’s one.”
The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: “It’s 0.999999999.”
The statistician: “What do you want it to be?”(Online Math Learning)

A methodologist’s wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang the minister who was also delighted. “Bring them to church on Sunday and we’ll baptize them,” said the minister. “No,” replied the statistician. “Baptize one. We’ll keep the other as a control.” (Write State University)

A hungry man went into a restaurant and noticed that the daily special was rabbit burgers (a real delicacy) for only .49 cents a burger. He asked the waiter about it and was told that, to keep prices down, they did add some filler, namely horse meat.
Customer: How much of each kind of meat is in a burger?
Waiter: An equal amount of each: one horse and one rabbit. (Keypress)

There are 42 million alligator eggs laid every year. Of that number only 50% ever hatch. Of that number, 86% are killed before they are 36 days old. Of that number only 5% make it one year old.
You: So what’s the point?
Me: If it wasn’t for statistics, we would be up to our asses in baby alligators. (MyOpera)


Amazon Book Reviews

Interested in a book of Random Numbers? Check out this book which received great reviews such as:

  • “Such a terrific reference work! But with so many terrific random digits, it’s a shame they didn’t sort them, to make it easier to find the one you’re looking for.”
  • “If you like this book, I highly recommend that you read it in the original binary. As with most translations, conversion from binary to decimal frequently causes a loss of information and, unfortunately, it’s the most significant digits that are lost in the conversion.”
  • “While the printed version is good, I would have expected the publisher to have an audiobook version as well. A perfect companion for one’s Ipod.”

3 responses

  1. Sandy J. McReynolds | Reply

    3 statisticans go deer hunting. They see a large buck. One fires and misses 10 yards to the right. The second fires and misses 10 yards to the left. The third jumps up and down, shouting, “We got him!”

    1. Mean or median 🙂

  2. Jeff Morton, PRC | Reply

    “Old statisticians don’t die, they just become less significant…”

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