13 tips for giving the worst presentation ever


It’s possible that I’ve attended too many conferences in the last few years as I have witnessed more terrible presentations than I would have ever wanted. If you are eager to make it to the top of my WORST PRESENTATION EVER list, here are a few tips to follow.

  1. Dress to impress. Pick out your crappiest jeans and throw on a wrinkled shirt. This will show everyone that you’re far too important to care how you look at such an inconsequential event like this.
  2. Bugle clip artDo a sound check as soon as you step on stage to begin your talk. This is necessary because the sound team generally forgets to monitor the sound of speakers and they need you to remind them.
  3. Stand directly behind the podium with your hands firmly clasped to the edge. This way, you will appear in complete control of the podium. Your power and importance will be obvious. And, you will be perfectly positioned with your face hidden behind the microphone .
  4. Read your speech. Everyone knows that grammar is important. By reading your speech, you will be assured that no one can judge you for misusing a verb tense or uttering an incomplete sentence. Grammar nazis are everywhere.
  5. Mention your company name not once, not twice, but at least 20 times. People won’t know which company to rush over to and shake their money at if you don’t remind them every 30 seconds. Say things like, “At Company A, we believe that…” and “We used our own high quality research panel, Panel Awesomeness, to conduct this research.”English: This is clip art
  6. Reference your work with as many important people and companies you can. Some people call this name dropping but they’re just jealous. They know that it’s proof you are highly skilled. Specifically, mention a project you plan to conduct with Stan or Diane or Pinterest or Apple. Be sure to refer to people casually so we think you are personal friends with them, and not just picked out from the article you read this morning.
  7. Use a laser pointer to highlight points that should have been obvious without a laser pointer. Because lasers are cool.
  8. Let people know that you aren’t good with numbers and your data guy can get back to them if need be. It’s good to show you understand your own weaknesses especially if you don’t want to bother to improve them.
  9. Tree-with-applesBe sure to choose good colours in your prezzie. Focus on complementary colours such as red font on green background or yellow font on blue background. They aren’t called complementary for nothing!
  10. Make sure to use 12 point font. Anyone who can’t read your prezzie from the back of the conference room is just too stupid to move to the front of the room and doesn’t deserve to read it anyways.
  11. Put equations on every page. It makes you look really smart so it doesn’t matter if people can’t read them due to fonts and layout.
  12. Don’t show any data. People aren’t concerned with details and they’ll believe everything you say anyways. Besides, numbers are hard to understand. [Insert whiny voice here.]
  13. Public domain image for the en:User:UBX/Desper...Put clip art on every page. It doesn’t matter if you couldn’t find a picture that actually demonstrated the point. People love pictures!

2 responses

  1. How about showing some 10 minute corporate video so you don’t have to actually talk
    Mentioning that Big Data is like teenage sex
    Apologise because your findings were interesting but you contractually cannot talk about them
    Announce that your conference will be interactive and ask people to raise their hands if they are thinking of going on holidays soon
    Deliver the exact same presentation twice at two MR conferences (hoping you would get away with it because one was MRS and the other one was ESOMAR)
    Attempt to dance on stage to an ABBA song (damn I did that – could have been worse, I could have played the yukulele)

    1. Oh man, those are good ones. I REALLY like apologizing for not being able to show proprietary findings. That one drives me nuts! Although I do believe that EVERY presentation needs more ukulele.

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