Statistics Jokes

Checking some questionnaires that had just been filled in, a census clerk was amazed to note that one of them contained figures 121 and 125 in the spaces for “Age of Mother, If Living” and “Age of Father, if Living.”
“Surely your parents can’t be as old as this?” asked the incredulous clerk.
“Well no,” was the answer, “but they would be IF LIVING!”
(Gary Ramseyer)

Do you like statisticians?
Probably
(Henry Bottomly)

pietervleu from morguefile

Did you hear about the politician who promised that, if he was elected, he’d make certain that everybody would get an above average income? (WorkJoke)

A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population. (Math Jokes)

I have always been told that old statisticians do not fade away,
but rather are “broken down by age and sex”. (YuksRUs)

sideshowmom from morguefile

A Statistical Department is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.
All three are asked the same question: “What is one third plus two thirds?”
The pure mathematician: “It’s one.”
The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: “It’s 0.999999999.”
The statistician: “What do you want it to be?”(Online Math Learning)

A methodologist’s wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang the minister who was also delighted. “Bring them to church on Sunday and we’ll baptize them,” said the minister. “No,” replied the statistician. “Baptize one. We’ll keep the other as a control.” (Write State University)

A hungry man went into a restaurant and noticed that the daily special was rabbit burgers (a real delicacy) for only .49 cents a burger. He asked the waiter about it and was told that, to keep prices down, they did add some filler, namely horse meat.
Customer: How much of each kind of meat is in a burger?
Waiter: An equal amount of each: one horse and one rabbit. (Keypress)

There are 42 milliion alligator eggs laid every year. Of that number only 50% ever hatch. Of that number, 86% are killed before they are 36 days old. Of that number only 5% make it one year old.
You: So what’s the point?
Me: If it wasn’t for statistics, we would be up to our asses in baby alligators. (MyOpera)